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About when a child wants to direct his parent

« When one of the parents is depressed, anxious, unhappy, whether he shows it or not, the child feels it and tries to fix it. » That is what Isabelle Filliozat explains in her book «UNDERSTANDING CHILDREN’S EMOTIONS ” is essential because it can happen that the discomfort felt by one of the parents is absorbed by the child. This has many consequences: • The child will ignore or suppress his own emotions and needs sometimes throughout his entire childhood. • He will be conditioned to neglect his well-being even in adulthood, believing that his emotions and needs are not legitimate. • He will have a pessimistic and fatalistic conception of existence. • He will try his best to “help” his parent who is so bad, risking a strong sense of helplessness if it does not work. So what is the solution is it hiding our unpleasant emotions in front of our children? No, because the child captures the non-verbal signals (eyes, sighs, tears, tremors, bitten nails …) and camouflage (excessive joy to hide a pain …) often awkward affects. He will therefore realize that there is a problem even if it is not clearly expressed. The secrets are always toxic. Moreover, he may feel guilty by thinking that he is the reason of this problem. The key is to be responsible and active in dealing with our problems and to avoid toxic secrets. Yes, life is not a long calm river. There are obstacles to overcome and crossing them is an experience that reinforces our confidence and our ability to be resilient. It is also about accepting and letting go of what cannot be changed, and yet engaging in a process of healing and forgiveness to repair oneself. Emotions accompany us on this journey. They are messengers and compasses that must be listened, verbalized and used to go forward. Especially strong emotion and trauma are transmitted via DNA. So, let’s be clear about the events that touch or affect us today. Let’s find words to describe our problems and act to treat them because if we refuse to deal with them, they will be borne in our children, later. WE TRANSMIT MORE THAN WHAT WE BELIEVE « We are answers to unresolved questions from our ancestors. » CARL GUSTAV JUNG This statement has something to offer about our conception of life. If it turns out that our past influences our present and our future, it is a dive into the history of our lineage that we will need to find the keys to certain enigmas, explanations and advice. Isabelle Filliozat evokes the case of Pamela who is sad while her life is not. She cannot get rid of this sadness. If Pamela has no real reason to be depressed, her mother, Reine, had some. She was mourned by a brother when she was only five years old… Pamela inherited her mother’s pain, her mask. As if she endured this suffering to relieve her mother. The release occurred during a family psychotherapy where Pamela understood that this sadness was not his. She said to her mother, «I give you back your sadness, mother. It’s yours. I can do nothing. ». And the sadness flew away. THE UNCONSCIOUS, THE EMOTIONS AND THE DNA . OUR PAST Our subconscious directs our lives 99% of the time. This subconscious works in automatic mode by relying on our memory and the emotions we have felt. Also, our parents leave us messages through the education they give us and the non-verbal signs that reveal the content of their thoughts. We copy what we see, hear, feel to the mirror neurons and conditioning through repetitions of gestures and words throughout our childhood. HOW TO RELEASE? It is possible to free ourselves from these hereditary influences. The turning point of this healing (or correction) is to become aware of what we feel and then to undertake research beyond our past, in the history of our ancestors. Once the event (or events) identified, it is necessary to put words orally or in paper in order to get rid of the psychological burden and correct the information in our DNA. Writing a letter to the person concerned is an effective method, even if that person is no longer in this world. Isabelle Filliozat guides us on this path with a series of questions: Can you find a nagging emotion that could find its sources elsewhere than in your personal experience? Is there a significant event in your life that you do not understand? Search your family tree for coincidences. Do you have the feeling of living a life that meets the unconscious desires of a parent or an ancestor?

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